Conversations with Anorexics

By Hilde Bruch, edited by Danita Czyzewski and Melanie A. Suhr.

Bruch passed away before this book was published, but before she went, she made sure that the content was essentially complete. The book is mostly made up of conversations with many of her patients during the therapy process.

‘While the binge-purge cycle may occur during the first or second year of the anorexic illness, often it appears later. When the simple starving becomes too strenuous or exhausting, then the idea of eating and vomiting looks like a solution, in order for the patients to give in to their desire for food and to stay slim at the same time.’

Anorexia often develops into Bulimia, and the above explanation for this makes sense. But what doesn't make sense is me; I moved onto the bingeing, but I never purge. Purgeing sounds awful, and don't get me wrong, I am glad I don't have this addiction. But people binge so that they can purge, or they purge so that they feel slimmer. If I have such a fear of getting fat, as is the case with anorexia and bulimia, then why don't I compensate? I fast, but I think I do that because I get sick of all the eating and I want a break, rather than doing it in an attempt to lose weight. This implies that I suffer from binge eating disorder or EDNOS, not bulimia as the doctors say. But there doesn't seem to be many books on BED, so I don't know...

The following bits do describe the way I think, or used to think:

‘” I could have a peaceful mind only when I went to bed and couldn’t do any more, when I was physically and mentally exhausted. Then I could think, ‘Yes, I have a right to sleep and I have a right to eat,’ but only then. When I went to bed without being really exhausted and tired, that meant there was still more I could do and wasn’t doing..."'

'"...when I weighed a lot less than I do now I had so much energy. I mean, I could do fifty projects at once and I didn’t have to work so hard at my grades. I don’t have that energy and the drive that I had when I was thin. That’s really scary for me to cope with."'