Doublethink

I got this term from the novel '1984' by George Orwell. There are many concepts in that book that I can relate to my eating disorder, but for now:

‘Doublethink means the power of holding two contradicting beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.’

I guess this is another way of expressing the paradoxical nature of my thoughts and experiences. This is what makes it frustrating and so hard to explain. Some of my doublethinks are/were:

• I genuinely believe I have not lost weight, even when I know my previously tight trousers are beginning to hang off me.
• I will trully believe I am fat whilst being proud of how thin I am.
• The reason I don't like gravy is because it tastes nice. Or it did taste nice, after 8 years you forget.
• I feel superior when others have to eat, and I can resist, but inferior because they have the freedom to eat and I do not.

Some of the paradoxes are:

1. I binge because I can’t stand being satiated.
2. I hate being told I am doing well. Doing well causes the voices to get worse, not better.
3. The more I achieve in recovery, the iller I get; the longer I go without bingeing, the worse it gets in the long-run.
4. A big plate of veg is scarier than a chocolate bar; the veg is larger in volume.
5. I fear food, yet I binge all the time. I binge because when I stop, the fear gets worse.
6. I developed an eating disorder as a result of trying to be healthy.