Zero

By Diane Tullson

Thankyou to whoever recommended this book - I sadly can't seem to find the comment with the recommendation, but if it was you please let me know :)

This is a fictional novel which I think would be suitable for young teenagers. Bearing this intended audience in mind, I have given it three stars; compared to other fiction for this age-range, such as Wintergirls, rather than comparing it to adult memoirs/novels that are obviously (hopefully) going to have more depth. Compared to Wintergirls I felt Zero was a story I could personally relate to, while with the former I experienced no sense of connection at all.

I think Zero conveyed a basic but accurate portrayal of how Anorexia/Bulimia can sneak up on a person so subtly yet rapidly. I liked the fact that it may help break the often inaccurate assumption of the disorder being driven by the media or societal pressures to 'be skinny'. I found Kas (the protagonist) to be very wholesome underneath the disorder; she comes across as sensible and likeable, which I hope helps young readers to see that Anorexia is not a 'stupid person's disease', or a 'vanity disease' and that it can drive even seemingly well-functioning minds into madness. I also liked the reference to her art work expressing the disorder taking over her mind and body.

What I didn't like about this book is that it seemed... half empty? Strangely I got the same feeling with this book as I did when reading 'The Bell Jar'; every time I thought 'this bit could be really good', the bit never finished. I wanted to add extra pages in to explore the parts I really thought had potential if only they weren't skimmed over. One example is the part where she seems to randomly go to a different town and ends up in a car with a scary druggy man/boy. It is inferred that she slept with him, however it does not go into detail. Perhaps this was due to the young audience? But I still felt that if that was going to be included, it should have been included properly (exploring this experience and her feelings around it in more depth), or not at all. It seemed out of the ordinary for her character to do, so maybe it was demonstrating a bit of teenage rebellion, or an eating disordered self hatred and purposeful intention to harm herself through a disregard for her own safety and feelings?

Another example is Kas' family; we hear about them briefly, but we never actually meet them. I would have liked to have been introduced to more of her background from before she went off to college, or perhaps we could have gone with her when she returned home due to her illness?

I do however appreciate the Author's notes at the back of the book beginning with the statement: 'Whenever authors write about eating disorders, they risk trivializing the suffering of real victims, who live in a world that is unreadable in its horror. In writing Zero, I hoped to give readers a glimpse into the dark world of self-destruction that plagues people with eating disorders.' - I think she did indeed give a 'glimpse' into the dark world of self-destruction, and maybe this was a suitable glimpse for the age group. However for me, a glimpse was not enough. It is a hard one because as the author acknowledges, the reality is so disturbing that perhaps this wouldn't be suitable for a teenage book.

Within the author's notes she details useful to-the-point facts regarding Eating Disorders; I felt this was responsible to do in order to educate young readers on the warning signs and what to do to help with compassion if they or someone they know is suffering.

In conclusion I felt the book was okay for a very light read and a brief introduction to eating disorders, but I found the plot as a whole frustrating with what seemed like lots of hoax starts to sub-plots. In addition, the ending was weak; the story seemed to stop abruptly when Kas starts receiving treatment. Also, her eating disorder symptoms don't really appear to emerge until nearly two thirds of the way into the book. Although I appreciate that it may be important to show how the person's life can start out as pretty normal, I think the book could have been a bit longer to give sufficient time to the eating disorder experience itself.

Morphing Disorders

I have not updated for a while, I am struggling to read right now due to lack of concentration. I have set myself the challenge of working through a self-help book, even though I have not had much success with these in the past. Therefore it is proving difficult to keep motivated. The next ED book I plan to read is 'Fasting Girls: The History of Anorexia Nervosa.' But on a different note, here are some recent thoughts:

There is a theory that Anorexia and Bulimia are ‘two sides of the same coin.’ I think this has a lot of truth in it, but I would also add BED in there as well. There are so many people who have gone from one disorder to another, or picked up symptoms from all three and developed an atypical ED or EDNOS. I think it is wrong for professionals to see me as being recovered from anorexia, and that I developed Bulimia as a separate entity. I have talked to many others who have never lost their anorexic mindset even though their behaviours may suggest otherwise. I am now addicted to binge eating because as long as I don’t let it go, it guarantees that the anorexia cannot take over my body again. However, no amount of binge eating can drive the anorexia out of my mind. When professionals refuse to accept that my disorders have layered up rather than replaced each other, they are in danger of encouraging my anorexic thoughts. It is a balancing act; they need to treat the anorexia and bulimia/BED simultaneously until I finally meet balance. When I was a restricting anorexic I thought that Bulimia was the opposite. Now I know that they are the same monster which changes tactics in order to fool.

Happy Pancake day! Even though I don't celebrate this due to the food content ;)

xxx

Doublethink

I got this term from the novel '1984' by George Orwell. There are many concepts in that book that I can relate to my eating disorder, but for now:

‘Doublethink means the power of holding two contradicting beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.’

I guess this is another way of expressing the paradoxical nature of my thoughts and experiences. This is what makes it frustrating and so hard to explain. Some of my doublethinks are/were:

• I genuinely believe I have not lost weight, even when I know my previously tight trousers are beginning to hang off me.
• I will trully believe I am fat whilst being proud of how thin I am.
• The reason I don't like gravy is because it tastes nice. Or it did taste nice, after 8 years you forget.
• I feel superior when others have to eat, and I can resist, but inferior because they have the freedom to eat and I do not.

Some of the paradoxes are:

1. I binge because I can’t stand being satiated.
2. I hate being told I am doing well. Doing well causes the voices to get worse, not better.
3. The more I achieve in recovery, the iller I get; the longer I go without bingeing, the worse it gets in the long-run.
4. A big plate of veg is scarier than a chocolate bar; the veg is larger in volume.
5. I fear food, yet I binge all the time. I binge because when I stop, the fear gets worse.
6. I developed an eating disorder as a result of trying to be healthy.

2. To Die For

By Carol Lee

Told in alternating chapters; half in the past when Carol meets Emma as a child, and half during the hell of Emma's eating disorders. I found the chapters detailing Emma's illness the most interesting, as she went through extremely severe cycles of both Anorexia and Bulimia plus compulsive overeating. It is the only book I have read so far which deals with all three disorders in such honest detail. Ideally, I would quote most of Emma's diary extracts, but to summarise I will leave you with two that I can particularly relate to:

‘i want this act of self-destruction to be recorded, documented, so that i never forget I did it. Anorexia is a fog in my memory, my decent into madness... Life has so much more to offer than this non-life... But first i want to get worse... i want to experience it as i now am – with me at the controls, hurtling this body into oblivion...’

‘...Our lovely surroundings have had a deeply unsettling effect on her. Startlingly beautiful as they are, they strip her of something. They do not provide her with a reason to be angry and they unlock a dread in her that it is only she, Emma, who is bad and wrong.’

1. Diary of an Excercise Addict

By Peach Friedman

I liked this book not because I could relate, (for many parts I couldn't as I have never purged through excerise) but because her personality came through the pages. It was an entertaining read despite the suffering she went through to defeat her excercise bulimia/anorexia.

One of my favourite quotes was:

'...This is the key to being an anorexic: You cannot eat! Once you do, it’s impossible to stop, the body responds so quickly, demanding more... Fighting my hunger, the strangeness of feeling so tempted, so out of control...’