Doublethink

I got this term from the novel '1984' by George Orwell. There are many concepts in that book that I can relate to my eating disorder, but for now:

‘Doublethink means the power of holding two contradicting beliefs in one’s mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them.’

I guess this is another way of expressing the paradoxical nature of my thoughts and experiences. This is what makes it frustrating and so hard to explain. Some of my doublethinks are/were:

• I genuinely believe I have not lost weight, even when I know my previously tight trousers are beginning to hang off me.
• I will trully believe I am fat whilst being proud of how thin I am.
• The reason I don't like gravy is because it tastes nice. Or it did taste nice, after 8 years you forget.
• I feel superior when others have to eat, and I can resist, but inferior because they have the freedom to eat and I do not.

Some of the paradoxes are:

1. I binge because I can’t stand being satiated.
2. I hate being told I am doing well. Doing well causes the voices to get worse, not better.
3. The more I achieve in recovery, the iller I get; the longer I go without bingeing, the worse it gets in the long-run.
4. A big plate of veg is scarier than a chocolate bar; the veg is larger in volume.
5. I fear food, yet I binge all the time. I binge because when I stop, the fear gets worse.
6. I developed an eating disorder as a result of trying to be healthy.

Getting A Grip

On my body, my mind, my self By Monica Seles.

Monica's story was admireable; how she made a comeback both physically and emotionally, after being stabbed at one of her matches and losing her dad to Cancer.

As an autobiography it was good, but the tennis talk did get a bit repetitive, and if you are looking for a book on an eating disorder, i wouldn't reccomend it. I kept reading until the end in the hope that her resolution may be helpful to other sufferers, but like 'The Monster Within' (reviewed earlier), her recovery was very personal to her, in the sense that the cause of her disordered eating became obvious and it was clear how to deal with it; admitedly not easy, but clear. The end to her weight problems was basically 'give up dieting and start living'. I think for most people with an eating disoder dieting may play a part in triggering the illness, but once you are there, dieting is no longer the issue; the thing living inside you is the issue.